A motorist was about two hours from San Diego when he was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure am," answered the man, "Do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the motorist. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the man's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the motorist walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the man. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the man. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
If a woman's work is never done, why bother?
Interviewer: "Tell me Miss Cromwell, if you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?"
Miss Cromwell: "The living one."
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now am the proud owner of Aisle 4.
ADVICE FROM AN OLD FARMER
~ Don't judge folks by their relatives.
~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
~ Live a good, righteous life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
~ Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.
~ Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
~ The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every morning.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself. When did I get a wife?
ADVICE FROM AN OLD FARMER
~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
~ Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
~ A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
~ Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
~ Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
~ It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
~ You can't unsay a cruel word.
~ Every path has a few puddles.
~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.
~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
I was gong to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
An old geezer who was a retired farmer for a long time became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, and if not cured, get back $1,000!"
Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he visited Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I've lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh !! -- This is gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I've lost my memory, I can't remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, that's gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back! That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after losing $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back," and handed him a $10 bill.
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know WHAT you gave me, but now when I pass gas although still silent they stink terribly."
"Good," the doctor said, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a town he planned to visit on his holiday.
He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well-behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: Sir, I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.
I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause alarm or worry, but shouldn't that be an even number?
TOP TEN PICKUP LINES USED BY ADAM
10. "You know you're the only one for me!"
9. "Do you come here often?"
8. "Trust me, this was meant to be!"
7. "Look around, baby. All the other guys around here are animals!"
6. "I already feel like you're a part of me!"
5. "Honey, you were made for me!"
4. "Why don't you come over to my place and we can name some animals?"
3. "You're the girl of my dreams!" (Gen. 2:21)
2. "I like a girl who doesn't mind being ribbed!"
And the number one pick up line from Adam is:
"You're the apple of my eye!" *
* I realize that the Bible says that Adam and Eve ate of the "fruit", not "apple," but gee guys, apple is funnier!
Myrrh: A type of perfume or incense; the second gift of the Magi; a great scrabble word when you are out of vowels.
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.
Trying to be diplomatic, Mom said, "Dear, he just doesn't seem like the all-American boy you've dated before. He's not really that nice."
"Oh come on, Mom," replied the daughter. "If he wasn't that nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
I ate a salad for lunch today! Well, mostly croutons and tomatoes. Actually one big round crouton and tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE! It was a pizza. I ate a pizza for lunch!
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered ... "today," a few ... "yesterday," and some ... "can't remember."
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
~ Who IS this?
~ Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
~ Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
~ I don't understand what you mean?
~ What now? Did you wreck the car again?
~ Am I dreaming?
~ Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
~ What did you do now?
~ If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
~ Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it?
I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
A Super Bowl Funny
A buddy of mine has two tickets for Sunday's Super Bowl here in Houston. When he bought them he didn't realize that it's on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She'll be the one wearing a white dress.
A farmer asked the vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn't doing well at all.
After checking the bull's vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet. Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence in his way.
The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"
The farmer replied, "Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!"
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
LETTER FROM COLLEGE...
$chool i$ really great. I've made lot$ of friend$ and am $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, your $on
REPLY FROM DAD....
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study hard eNOugh.
Did you know that Adam and Eve were the first couple to not read and understand the fine print on their Apple contract? :)
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks.
If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up.
Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game.
The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, and I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimistic twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.
"What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"